Stone Smoked Porter - It's Devilicious

EXCEPTIONAL BREW #1

Stone Smoked Porter
Concocted by: Stone Brewing Co.
Awesomeness by Volume (ABV): 5.9% alcohol
Chuggable in: 22 oz bottle
Get it at: Happy’s Market

Let's look at a big, bad, arse-kicking beer: Stone Smoked Porter, by Stone Brewing Company of Escondido, Ca. They’re the company that makes the big bottles with gargoyles on them. You may have seen some of their other concoctions, like Arrogant Bastard or Ruination IPA. They’re fans of complex, unruly, dangerous beer.

Why’d I pick this? I really like beer that holds my taste buds at gunpoint. I love beer that dumbfounds them, forces them to figure out exactly what it is they are tasting; beer that makes my brain come up with interesting ways of describing the experience.

I admit, I’m not exactly a beer snob, and thus don’t know all the technical jargon and whatnot – but I’m sure you’ll get the idea. So let me describe what my brain tends to conjure up when I drink this week’s Exceptional Brew.

Imagine a chocolate bar - a cute chocolate bar with arms and legs, running around in a small circle. He's got big eyes and lashes, and a big toothy grin.

Now imagine Satan (in whichever image and likeness you prefer) taking a blowtorch to the prancing chocolate bar, incinerating him into a small pile of brownish-black ash. The heat from the blowtorch was so intense that the poor fellow didn't even get a chance to melt.

Satan, who, by the way, owns an espresso machine, takes the crumbly pile of burnt cute chocolate and loads it into that cup-lookin' thing with the handle that holds the espresso. He blends in a bit of his favorite coffee (once again, you may choose the image and likeness of this brand), and creates a serious evil ugly sinful blend of coffee and drinks it quickly (he loves caffeinated beverages).

Some time later, Satan has to urinate. He does.

The resulting product is this beer (Somehow, the brewery got a hold of Satan's urine, I don't know how; my brain hasn't worked out those details yet).

Despite being described by me in a seemingly unsavory way, this smoked porter is definitely a delicious kind of evil. I'm talking about that wonderful giddy feeling you get when your favorite sociopathic villain in a movie does something terrible.

Like the name suggests, smokiness abounds from the first sip. Dark-roasted coffee and chocolate make their way around the palette too. Did I mention my tongue actually clapped?

The beer has a 5.9% ABV, which is a bit higher than your average American beer, but in line with beers of the same type. The alcohol content is just enough to provide an ever-so-slight bite and a bit of warmth on its way down.

This beer is definitely for fans of big fat black beer that looks like coffee when poured into a glass. I’m talking to you, Big Butte Porter and Irish Death fans. For the less initiated: if you’ve tried Guinness and didn’t spit it out, try this one. It’s way tastier and more sinful.

Try it with sinful food – the beer compliments rich desserts or red meat. It also goes great with a PB&J sandwich, according to the label on the bottle. I have actually tried this, with blackberry jam and crunchy peanut butter on whole wheat, and it truly is something to experience. I mean it.

I have to hand it to a company that manages to create a beer that combines chocolatey-coffeeness-over-a-mesquite-fire AND puts the fear of God and the awareness of Satan into you. It’s brilliant. Try it.